... to die for

V: so tell me a happy memory

eru: Ok.. this one’s what changed my life..

its ridiculous to talk about it.. coz it doesnt sound like anything major.. but its what changed the way I think completely..

i may have told u this..

V: no tell me

eru: it was after second year college.. when i went to ireland..

I was on an island called Inish Mor, off the west coast of ireland.. for 3 days..

its probably the oldest part of ireland.. most ppl only speak Gaelic out there..

so I’m walking around.. looking at old forts etc.. alone..

V: hmmm

eru: and someone told me about this place called the Black Fort which was on a cliff.. so i climbed this trail..

there was nobody around for as far as i could see in any direction..

V: and?

eru: I got to the top.. and the ground leveled out for about 100 meters.. where I’m guessing the fort was..

there was nothing left of it.. it was just jet black rock for kilometers on either side.. and the sea in front..

and it was really windy.. when the wind would start suddenly.. it would make me move a step or two to my side..

and i’m petrified of heights..

but i walked towards the edge..

V: ok..

eru: no railings, nothing.. just level ground.. and the drop to the sea

V: oh god! and?

eru: so i went there.. and obviously couldn’t stand near the edge coz it was too windy.. so i lay down.. took off my backpack .. and crawled to the edge.. It wasn’t halfway pleasant, but seemed the right thing to do.

the toughest thing i ever did.. was push my neck over the edge.. because it feels like u’ll fall.. even though the rest of yourbody is on the rock..

V: this is like a movie ..

eru: my mind forgot logic..

completely.. the only thing there to hold on to was the edge.. smooth black rock..

I put my face over the edge and looked down..

V: ANDDDDDDDDDDDD?

eru: the cliff was completely vertical.. almost like the hill behind my house in Bombay..

but it was 300 feet high..

and i saw the water smashing against the rocks at the bottom.. and then i looked up

all i could see was sea.. the wind was wrestling with me.. trying to make me move..

V: i have goose bumps all over my body!!!

eru: and i inched up another foot or so..

so chest upwards i was off the cliff..

and that day… i flew…

V: no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

eru: i looked all around.. i saw the world in those ten minutes..

i saw life..

and i saw my death..

and the crazy bit is..

the only thing i WANTED to do at that moment..

V: was…

eru: was to dive off the cliff..

V: I KNEW U WERE GOING TO SAY THAT!

eru: Here’s the messed up part. I went to my backpack.. wrote a letter to my folks (they still don’t know any of this!) saying that I wouldn’t be coming back home.. and left my phone in the bag for someone to find…

and went back.. and was lying like that for fifteen minutes..

and i was happy… i just let go of everything around me.. everything in my life.

just like that..

and i dont know.. maybe i would’ve gone.. but someone came up and shouted out at me.. so i moved back..

And that was probably the happiest day of my life, come to think of it..

That was the day I forgot fear of Death. I embraced it.. and ever since, it’s been an ally..

me: hmm.. now u know why death doesn’t perturb me

m: hmm…

11:55 but it doesn’t just not perturb you….u LIKE it

me: its a friend..

embrace death.. and theres nothing left to scare u

m: somebody else’s?

me: embrace it like u would a pet dog.. who could .. COULD .. one fine day turn around and attack you

11:56 nobody’s death scares me..

i’ve spent enough time contemplating it..

and i will accept death.. i definitely wont be happy about it..

but i’m not scared of it

m: stop..

u’ll live

me: i know i’ll live..

11:57 me: thats the thing..

im not interested in dying.. I don’t really care about it.. thats why i screw around so much..

i know i’m not going young..

the problem is i know a lot of ppl around me will..

thats probably why i fuck with death so much.. i kinda taunt it.. to take me.. but it wont.

11:58 m: u have no control over it…do u see that…

me: ofcourse i see it.. i always knew that..

i dont want Control..

that would make life Predictable and Boring

12:00 m: breathe…life CAN be a lazy day on the beach u know…the waves dont have to eat u up…let them just come and lap against ur feet..hear them…sing to them…

me: hahah.. i’m at peace with the world .. i am..

m: with the world…but in ur head?

12:01 me: that doesnt matter.. the way i see it.. i have too much to do .. to wait for a lazy day at the beach..

as and when it is time.. that too shall happen

my head’ll pull thru..

me: dragon-hide is real tough material!

I’d like to see How tough.. Push till I can’t any more.. Fight till I drop.. It is the way of the Dragonkind..