how're You feeling?

October 1st..

With the new month, more than the name has changed. The air is different; it brings out more emotion in me for some reason. I take a walk around my block at half nine at night, and I can sense the difference. The heat of the day has suddenly vanished, ‘into thin air’, for lack of a better allegory. I can feel the beginnings of a nip all around me; my arms break into goosebumps involuntarily. This weather brings back memories. Of what, I’m not sure. I try and remember..

More accurately, it brings back feeling - something that has eluded me for a while now, or has been deliberately supressed for months. I have people to thank for the same, but some other time. This story is not about people. It’s about feelings-

There’s this all-too-familiar feeling of having felt this way before, but I cannot say when or where. This emotion is a crazy blend of many. It hits me in waves as I walk around the neighbourhood alone at night. I do not know if I should feel happy, or sad, as I cannot really identify this thing that’s taking over my mind. As a result, I end up with an expression which conveys rather absolute confusion through the contours that comprise my face.

I feel little pangs of excitement shooting through my chest, originating from my stomach. These tiny bolts of electricity in my upper body tell me in their own convuluted (or not!) way that this is a positive emotion, like descending from the highest point of a roller coaster in a sudden rush. My heart beat has gone up by approximately a million beats per second. All this makes me contemplate smiling, at the world in general. But, at the same time, there is also an incredible sense of loss that takes over. I think about it, trying to find the cause. I don’t know what I have lost, and I can only speculate, but it doesn’t add up. I also feel that this sense of loss isn’t meant for me. It isn’t my own loss that I’m feeling, yet I am feeling something, and it is more than a little disconcerting. It works most effectively in wiping the smile-that’s-almost-there off my face.

I smell the crisp air, and take a deep breath, taking in as much as my lungs will allow. Maybe I want them to burst. There is a certain joy in being a part of the onset of Winter. I feel like I’m one of the factors contributing to the change in weather. Somehow, me being outside is making a difference to the entire picture, for the better. Now, I’m not even just a part of the picture. I’m the fuel. Without me, this picture cannot be completed. It makes me want to laugh out with joy; being a part of Nature in such an integral way. The maker of winters. It’s brilliant!

Yet again, my mind moves to the other end of the spectrum. The sense of emptiness, of pure, unadulterated sorrow. There is nothing more. To look forward to, to go home to, to work for, to want from life. This is the end.. my only friend, the end. My body is taking in all of this, all at the same time. My brain can’t. It’s too full of contradictions. My thoughts move on to love.. I could love a person a lot and of course want to be with her.. And love her so much that I would never be with her… A perfect Catch-22. How does one solve a problem like that?

How does one really know what decision to make when the time comes?

And how does one ever know when the right time is?

Why are human beings so confused?

Why are my nipples pierced?

And why the hell are there little yellow teddy bears on my boxers?